#MothersQuote Always face the direction you intend to go, try not to look back
I have always ‘tried’ to abide by my mother’s quote but this morning I did something different. I just did not feel like waiting the whole 8 minutes for the next tram. Also I had a fear of being squashed up against the tram doors all the way to East Croydon, again! So I got on the tram that was heading in the opposite direction. My initial logic was when all the passengers alighted at the end of the line I will be guaranteed a seat. Yet, I ended up where my journey had started. I journeyed backwards.
I was impatient and I feared I would not get a seat.
The tram terminates at New Addington and I was at Addington Village. I had backtracked two stops in order to indulge my fear of not getting a seat. I got a seat but I wasted time.
So how does this relate to my life?
Like my tram journey, my life has been steadily going backwards when it should be edging forward. I feel as though I am wasting precious time and when I get impatient I effortlessly resort to old useless habits.
For example, I am not as enthusiastic about my degree and definitely not focused as much on my writing, this has been my first blog in 2 months. I have been redrafting Part 3 to my Short Story : The After for quite a while now.
Simply due to fear.
I am so comfortable with being uncomfortable that I am not actually moving forward. Comparing a simple tram journey with one’s life may seem overly dramatic but when one is feeling temperamental all rationale gets thrown on the tracks [Excuse the pun!]
All because of fear.
My limiting thoughts read as follows: If I write, it will be rubbish! Should I get my degree, what will I do with it anyway?
When I am in this mindset [of non progress] at least I know what to expect etc.
Like my tram journey backwards I am familiar with the number of stops, duration etc. Yes, how boring! Not a challenge in sight hence no fear.
Is this really how we are supposed to live? In absolute predictability?
I like to imagine how invigorating and fulfilling life can be to have new experiences, meet new people and relish in a new environments.
All this can be achieved by pushing away fear and just move forward.
I wonder if other people can relate to this crazy phenomena of wanting to move forward but allowing fear to take hold/control.
Please feel free to leave any comments, thoughts or experiences as they will be greatly appreciated.