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Tag Archives: fear

Backward Tram Journey : My life?

21 Wednesday Mar 2012

Posted by v3ronicavida in Uncategorized

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

addington village, direction, environments, experiences, fear, journey, life, mother, new addington, quote, tram

 #MothersQuote Always face the direction you intend to go, try not to look back 

I have always ‘tried’ to abide by my mother’s quote but this morning I did something different. I just did not feel like waiting the whole 8 minutes for the next tram.  Also I had a fear of being squashed up against the tram doors all the way to East Croydon, again!  So I  got on the tram that was heading in the opposite direction.  My initial logic was when all the passengers alighted at the end of the line I will be guaranteed a seat. Yet, I ended up where my journey had started. I journeyed backwards.

Why?

I was impatient and I feared I would not get a seat.

The tram terminates at New Addington and I was at Addington Village. I had backtracked two stops in order to indulge my fear of not getting a seat. I got a seat but I wasted time.
So how does this relate to my life?
Like my tram journey, my life has been steadily going backwards when it should be edging forward. I feel as though I am wasting precious time and when I get impatient I effortlessly resort to old useless habits.
For example, I am not as enthusiastic about my degree and definitely not focused as much on my writing, this has been my first blog in 2 months. I have been redrafting Part 3 to my Short Story : The After for quite a while now.
Simply due to fear.
I am so comfortable with being uncomfortable that I am not actually moving forward. Comparing a simple tram journey with one’s life may seem overly dramatic but when one is feeling temperamental all rationale gets thrown on the tracks [Excuse the pun!]
All because of fear.
My limiting thoughts read as follows: If I write, it will be rubbish! Should I get my degree, what will I do with it anyway?
When I am in this mindset [of non progress] at least I know what to expect etc.
Like my tram journey backwards I am familiar with the number of stops, duration etc. Yes, how boring! Not a challenge in sight hence no fear.
Is this really how we are supposed to live? In absolute predictability?
I like to imagine how invigorating and fulfilling life can be to have new experiences, meet new people and relish in a new environments.
All this can be achieved by pushing away fear and just move forward.
I wonder if other people can relate to this crazy phenomena of wanting to move forward but allowing fear to take hold/control.
Please feel free to leave any comments, thoughts or experiences as they will be greatly appreciated.

My Incompatability with Writing

07 Saturday Jan 2012

Posted by v3ronicavida in Uncategorized, Work In Progress

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

believe, Blog, discipline, fear, inspire, patience, procrastination, show and tell, Writing

Over the last few months, maybe even longer, I have convinced myself that I have issues with writing. The reason being I have been wrangling with the following question: Why Am I Not Writing Consistently?

I have been creating many issues about writing, which are simply excuses to not sit down and just write. My main scapegoat is PROCRASTINATION.

So in classic ‘Veronica Style’ I would read every and any blog that mentioned this ‘troublesome’ word.

I even heartily reveled in my ‘apparent’ procrastination, after all this is what I do. Then after reading loads of blogs, I mean lots! I learnt that I am not treating my work with any form of respect and wasting time. For example, when I mention my blog to anyone I add,’ It’s not that good!’ So if it was not that good why would anyone waste his or her precious time to even look at it!

I had to get hard on myself and ask ‘Is this what you really want to do?’ ANSWER: ‘Yes!’ Especially as I am easily motivated and almost everything inspires me.

There is no doubt in my mind that I love to be creative with words, yet there was still this problem of not writing. Everything else came first.

When I have an idea that I should be developing and jotting down, all of a sudden my ironing is priority, my grandmother gets several visits from me in a week and I am more obsessive about my Spanish listening exercises.

I decided to look within and weed out my incompatibility with writing, as something was amiss. Here are my findings of why I was not applying the basic ‘gutso’ skills required to take my own writing seriously.

1] Fear – Fear of not producing good quality writing

2] Believe – My limited self-belief interferes with the completion of any work

3] Patience – Lack patience therefore rushing through editing/proof-reading

4] Discipline – Not setting myself a set routine to write/blog

5] ‘Show/Tell’- Still working on this concept

In my 1st year at University, I began learning writing techniques and this really stifled my writing voice. I felt bogged down by all the technical stuff I had to consider whilst writing. However now when I do actually write I take pleasure in doing long exhaustive writing. My writing voice may not be exceptional to some but it has to be right for me.

In conclusion, when I get over my FEAR and start to BELIEVE in my work I will not feel as anxious as I do to publish posts. With PATIENCE I can take the valuable time needed to edit/redraft where appropriate, lastly I need to DISCIPLINE myself by committing to a regular writing routine.

Unlike the rest on my Incompatibility List, which are ‘easy-peasy’, with ‘SHOW & TELL’ I face a challenge but who said writing was a stroll in the park?

Shadows of the Realm – Dionne Lister

An Unfamiliar Murder – Jane Issac

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