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A WOMAN’S REGRET

Of late, I have started to feel my heart. The part which had been untouched by the possibility that life can be radiant. You see, life has its sneaky way of having you accept that hurt and betrayal are part of our existence. It took a long time to feel it but this piece of my heart now feels love. Without resisting I realize that I am powerful. By acknowledging love and letting love gather momentum inside, I have to smile. I feel gratitude I made it this far.  I learnt from Sinead. Now she’s gone, I realize her love for people and life. How her love had a way of intensifying her surroundings, of course, I would have been affected by it.

My life has not been easy. So simple it was to retreat from all social expectation. Yes, it was easy. I shut away the hurt which pained me on a daily basis. The constant ritual of comparing myself to others was mind numbing. I cooked up ways of how people could get to me and just stayed away. Now that Sinead is no longer here she has left a void which only I can fill.

I remember when I was younger and fell in love. His name was Terrence and worked at the local Post Office.  Sitting behind the counter, so approachable and happy. Hell! I was happy because he seemed happy! Before long we were dating and all seemed grand. There were things he never told me which would later emerge and I would feel their consequences. I ignored the signs of things to come.

Why should I wonder if he grabbed my arm a little too tight? Maybe he was tired, after all he did work long hours.

Wasn’t it normal for him to know my exact whereabouts? Fifteen minutes can be a long time to wait.

Wasn’t it concern when he criticised friends? Yes, maybe my friends were a bit too happy go lucky.

All the signs were there and yet because I was being self-less and felt he needed me, I ignored all of this. When I fell pregnant the first time, the already present cracks deepened. Setting the foundation for a permanent place in our relationship.

How was I suppose to know that Terrence had bigger plans? He had wanted to travel and experience the world at large. I didn’t know,  he never told me. I am not a mind reader! Everything he said surely was borne out of anger.

“I never wanted kids or you! I had ambitions, I wanted to see the world, not your ever pregnant, lazy arse!’ He boomed.

I myself would have had dreams if I were allowed to dream. Sometimes people seem to take up so much of you. Now I know that’s ONLY if you let them.

I let him control everything. I began to over-think. I racked my brain with details so small with what should have been simple tasks. The clothes I should wear, the colours and on what day. Even this could send Terrance into a frenzy. He would say I wore a black dress to guarantee him a bad day. If I wore yellow I was mocking him as my life was ideal and his wasn’t. The most painful of all was if I wore red then I was looking for trouble. Painful trouble! So I just avoided wearing black, yellow or red.

Over time the grip of my arm would be tighter and felt on different parts of my body. His strong manly hands were never felt around my throat yet I felt strangled. A slow living  death.

What does one do when they want to love, when they want to feel love. They stay and hope. They hope and create an illusion. An illusion only in their minds about how things should be, sit tight and live in vain. This takes patience and is stupid.

We were raising three girls, all a product of a weird union. Two people that no longer wanted to be together, but still stayed. Was it the anger and discontentment which kept us together and so apart? Tragically this was our comfort zone. The amniosty between us was the glue which kept us together. As much as I was scared of him I was also scared of the unknown. Better the devil you know, they say. This little paraphrase has, I am certain, ruined and cost many lives.

Now, I ask, “Would I have done anything differently?”

The answer is,”Yes!”

Why?

The feeling of euphoria whilst sticking the knife as far as it could go only lasted seconds. I wished it lasted longer.

Today feeling my heart, I realise I had power. I always had it. The power to love myself. The power to just walk away.

I no longer see my daughters as they were taken away from me. I’ll gladly forget the now quiet Terrence for tragically taking ME away from ME.

THE END

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